Deviation
by The Passionate Admiral
Summary: One-shot & my first attempt at a humor fic. Tuvok may seem to uphold his Vulcan discipline 24/7. But there are two things that are guaranteed to break him out of his nonchalant demeanor. One is the pon farr. The other has been unknown... until now!


Deviation

Author: The Passionate Admiral

Rating: K+

Disclaimer: I do not own Voyager. Believe me; they would never incorporate anything as DUMB as this into the series.

Plot: Everybody admires Tuvok. He's just your average disciplined, hard-working, Vulcan Second Officer and Security Chief. But he does have one minor weakness. Just FYI, are the characters are IC until about two-thirds through. You'll see what I mean later on…

The senior staff of the USS _Voyager_ was assembled on the bridge. Lieutenant Tom Paris was seated at the helm, Ensign Harry Kim was seated at Ops, Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres was seated at the engineering console, Lieutenant Commander Tuvok was standing at the security station, The Doctor and Seven of Nine were speaking with each other at Tactics, Commander Chakotay was seated at the First Officer's station, and Captain Kathryn Janeway was seated in her Captain's chair. Neelix was standing near her and conversing with her.

"So, Captain, I have an idea for a way to make the leola root more appetizing to the crew," Neelix told Janeway.

"What might that be, Neelix?" inquired the Captain, who was in actuality much less interested than she appeared and sounded to be.

"Well, Captain, I've been doing some research on vegetables indigenous to your quadrant," he explained, "Most of them are green ones, such as celery and broccoli. I notice that they share a lot of the same botanic properties as leola root. My idea is that I could cross-breed some seeds of the leola with some broccoli and celery seeds. I believe I can find the right permeation that would produce a food that has all the vitamins, nutrients, and health benefits of leola, but it would have the texture, the aroma, and the taste of celery or broccoli."

Janeway nodded, becoming a little more interested in Neelix's idea. Then she asked him "And why are you discussing this with me specifically?"

"I will need to run a series of trial-and-errors to determine which leola/celery/broccoli combination will produce the best resulting hybrid," Neelix clarified, "In order to accomplish this, I will need access to several restricted files in the science department. I need the clearance of three people for this clearance – Mr. Tuvok's, The Doctor's, and-"

"Mine?" Janeway finished for him.

Neelix nodded merrily and said as he held out a PADD "If you do not mind, I would like it as soon as possible."

Janeway thought about it for a moment, and then she took the PADD and entered her authorization code into the PADD. As she handed the PADD back to Neelix, she smiled and told him "I look forward to trying breolery."

"To trying what, Captain," Neelix asked, obviously confused.

"Comination broccoli-leola-celery," she enlightened him.

"Ah, yes, very funny joke, Captain," Neelix scoffed as he walked around the deck to speak to The Doctor.

Janeway looked over at Chakotay with an expression on her face that said "Oh, my."

Chakotay just smirked at her and said quietly "He just doesn't give up."

She lightly shook her head and said "No, he does not."

Just then, a low buzzing was heard in the room. Everyone looked around to spot its point of origin, but it was coming from several different spots throughout the room.

"What's that sound?" asked Tom.

"I do not know," said Seven of Nine as if the question had been meant for her. She studied her console and announced "It could be a ruptured circuit in the bulkhead."

"Negative," reported B'Elanna from her station, "All the bulkheads check out as 'clean.'"

"And I am not detecting any breaches," Tuvok confirmed her statement.

Soon, everyone dismissed the buzzing sound as a momentary disturbance and went back to work.

At that moment, The Doctor was still talking with Seven of Nine when Neelix tapped on his shoulder. The Doctor rolled his eyes – as he hated interruptions – and turned around. He quickly dropped his annoyed expression and asked "What may I do for you, Mr. Neelix?"

"Thank you for asking that question, Doctor," said the Talaxian, "You may have just heard what I was talking to the Captain about."

"Yes, you were discussing a way to make the inedible edible," The Doctor said drily.

Tom, Harry, and B'Elanna all scoffed at The Doctor's comment.

"Now there, Doctor, leola root by itself is not all that bad," said Neelix.

"Of course not!" said The Doctor. Seven of Nine easily detected a modicum of sarcasm in his voice.

Tom tapped his combadge and whispered into it "Paris to Kim."

"Kim here," Harry answered quietly, tapping his combadge.

"I think The Doctor has a point," Tom inaudibly told his best friend, "Once you get past all the nausea, the upset stomach, and the indigestion, leola root is actually quite lovely."

"Don't forget the brief interval where it makes you lose your will to live," Harry added in.

"Okay, that too!" said Tom. Soon, he started laughing at Harry's comment.

"Tom, would you like to share what is so amusing?" Janeway abruptly cut in.

"Oh, uh, sure, Captain!" Tom said nervously, looking over his shoulder. He quickly thought up something, and then he said "I was just remembering something one of my friends told me a long time ago."

"What might that be?" asked Janeway.

"He told me where he met his wife," said Tom.

"Which is?" Janeway coaxed him.

"At his family reunion," Tom told them.

A moment later, everyone except Tuvok and Seven of Nine was trying to stop himself or herself from bursting out laughing. Tuvok just remained standing still at his post, keeping a watchful eye on his console. Seven of Nine simply raised an eyebrow at everyone's reaction to Tom's statement.

No one even noticed that the buzzing noise had returned. No one except Tuvok, that is. He tried to pinpoint the noise's origin. But by the time everyone was finished laughing, it had once again subsided. Tuvok dismissed the noise once again and returned to work.

About a minute later, after everyone had calmed down, The Doctor gave Neelix his authorization code. Then he said "Just out of curiosity, Mr. Neelix, how will you know which hybrid is the best one?"

"I'll be passing out samples of the products to the crew," Neelix told the EMH, "Then I'll look over my data and I'll decide which blend is the most agreeable one amongst the crew."

"Ah, I see," said The Doctor, "And may I just know who your victims – I mean, tasters – will be?"

"Why would you like to know that, Doctor?" inquired the Talaxian

"I want to warn – I mean, inform – them in advance," said The Doctor.

Neelix grinned and said "Alright, I'll ask around and do a survey to see who would be the most ideal prospects. When I've decided on whom to make the tasters, I'll send you the list."

"Thank you," said The Doctor bluntly, "I'm just overjoyed to help."

As Neelix turned and walked over to Tuvok, Seven of Nine looked at The Doctor and noted that he seemed to be uncomfortable.

"Doctor, I notice you do not seem as enthusiastic as you claim to be," Seven of Nine remarked.

"Believe me, Seven," The Doctor sneered, "Mr. Neelix makes me GLAD I do not have to eat."

"Do you honestly believe that the products of his experiment will make those who consume them ill?" she asked.

"Oh, trust me, Seven," said The Doctor, "The moment Mr. Neelix begins his survey, Sickbay will get very crowded."

Neelix either ignored or did not hear anything the two of them had just said. He just went over to Tuvok and said "Mr. Tuvok, I assume that you've heard of the subject of my conversations with the Captain and The Doctor?"

"While eavesdropping is considered very rude, Mr. Neelix," commented the Vulcan, "Yes, I was listening."

"May I know your thoughts on my idea?" queried the Talaxian.

"Your proposal does seem reasonable," Tuvok pronounced, "I believe it would certainly enhance the crew's predilection of leola root's nourishing capabilities."

"So, will you give me full clearance to the science lab?" asked Neelix.

Tuvok nodded and replied "I suppose I may as well, as neither the Captain nor The Doctor saw any problem with your proposal."

"Good," smiled Neelix, holding out the PADD.

Tuvok was about to take the PADD, but then the buzzing returned again.

But this time, it was only coming from one spot: above Tuvok's head.

Tuvok slowly turned his head to the ceiling and saw the cause of the disturbance.

A single fly was circling in the air above him.

"Captain, I believe I have discovered the source of the commotion," Tuvok informed his CO.

"What is it, Tuvok?" asked Janeway.

"A fly," said Tuvok.

"A fly?" said Janeway in mild disbelief.

"A fly," Tuvok repeated, remaining totally emotionless.

"How could a fly have gotten on board this ship?" asked Janeway.

"We can worry about that later, Captain," said Tuvok, "Right now, there is a security matter I must attend to."

Tuvok pulled out a flyswatter and a phaser. He set the latter on stun and fired up at the fly. He just barely missed his target.

"Tuvok, what are you doing?" demanded Janeway, "You could have shot through the bulkhead!"

"There is no need to worry, Captain," Tuvok assured her, "The phaser is set on stun, and I have the situation under control!"

The fly started going around the room. Tuvok ran after it, shouting like a maniac "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Everyone immediately stopped what he or she was doing and watched Tuvok. He was making his best effort to destroy the fly, but the fly was very elusive.

"DIE, YOU STUPID FLY!" Tuvok shouted at the fly as he ran after it, waving his flyswatter violently in all directions. "TAKE THAT!" *Swat!* "AND THAT!" *Swat!* "AND THAT!" *Swat!* "OH, AND HAVE SOME OF THIS WITH IT!" *Swat! Swat! Swat!*

"Umm, Tuvok, I think you're overreacting," said Tom.

"Mr. Paris, I have kept this ship's security systems safe from KAZON, HIROGEN, VIDIIANS, and many other species!" shouted Tuvok as he continued to chase the fly. When he got closer to it, he said "I will not allow ONE-" *Swat!* "SMALL-" *Swat!* "INSIGNIFICANT-" *Swat!* "FLY-" *Swat!* "to compromise _Voyager_'s security!"

He fired a few more shots from his phaser. On every shot, he missed the fly. But he almost hit Harry once.

Pretty soon, Tuvok was swearing and running through the room, trying to smash the fly into a pulp.

Eventually, the fly landed on The Doctor's shoulder. Tuvok eyed the fly like a maniac and started approaching The Doctor very slowly. A wicked grin formed on his face with every step he got closer.

"Doctor, you must stand absolutely still," said Tuvok as he crept towards the fly.

"Certainly, Mr. Tuvok," said The Doctor, raising an eyebrow to express his concern for the Vulcan's well-being.

Tuvok continued to step closer to the holographic physician. In his right hand, he had his flyswatter raised. In his left hand, he had his phaser pointed directly at the fly. When he was three feet away, he sprang into action. He tackled the fly, causing The Doctor to fall onto the ground.

For over a minute, Tuvok raised his flyswatter over and over again and brought it crashing down onto the fly. Three swats had been enough, but that did not satisfy Tuvok. When the fly's remains were no longer recognizable, Tuvok vaporized them with his phaser.

"YES!" Tuvok shouted triumphantly, waving his arms in the air, "YES! I got you, you son of a bitch!"

Tuvok did a victory dance as he walked back over to his post. While he did this, Seven went over to The Doctor and helped him back onto his feet.

"Are you alright, Doctor?" asked Seven in concern, "Was there any damage done to your mobile emitter?"

"No, I'm quite alright," replied the EMH, rolling his eyes in the process, "I'm sure that you know full well that I do not suffer physical pain, Seven. But my pride was certainly damaged just a moment ago."

Seven nodded nonchalantly at his comment and went back to work.

When Tuvok returned to his station, he put away the flyswatter and the phaser. Then his face returned to its usual neutral appearance. Almost everyone was still staring at him with mouths wide open.

Tuvok just ignored them and turned to Neelix. He held out his arm and said "Mr. Neelix, if I may?"

"Excuse me, Mr. Vulcan?" said the Talaxian, who was almost in shock, but quickly recovering.

"I assume you still want access to all the files in the science lab?" said Tuvok.

"Ah, yes," Neelix smiled and handed over the PADD. Tuvok entered in his code, and then he gave the PADD back and said "I wish you luck on your tests."

"Thank you, Tuvok," Neelix nodded with a smirk and walked towards the turbolift. He waited for it to arrive, and then he stepped inside and said "Deck 5."

Tuvok went back to work, acting as if nothing happened.

The Doctor then said to Seven "It would appear as though Mr. Neelix's 'breolery' is not the biggest new threat to the safety of the crew."

"Why is that, Doctor?" asked the ex-Borg.

The Doctor did not answer straight away. But a few seconds later, he said "Seven, I believe we may have just discovered the first Vulcan with bipolar disorder."


End file.
